I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
