i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
