I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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