I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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