I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize