Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
