I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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