i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
