I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
