My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
