Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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