I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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