I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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