Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
