this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
