Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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