Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
