I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
