Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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