i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
