My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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