The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
