Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
