my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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