my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
