I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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