Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
