Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
