I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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