I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
