mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
