i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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