My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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