We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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