My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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