ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
