My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
