you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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