I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
