Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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