Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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