No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
