dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
