Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
zippers are such a cool invention
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
