Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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