He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
