Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
