It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
