I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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