He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
