She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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