dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
