I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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