seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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