So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
