I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
