I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
