We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
